#12: Feeling uncomfortable in New York City
Imposter syndrome, a silk dress, and Tibi's showroom
You’re reading Try Stuff Energy, a newsletter on how it feels like to put yourself out into the word and try stuff. Written by Caitlin Sowers.
I lean forward to open the tall wooden door of Tibi’s Soho Flagship. It’s 5:45pm and I’ve rushed from the apartment I’m renting in Chelsea to get here before their 7pm close.
I talked myself out of coming too many days in a row. I force myself by setting a date ~ Wednesday after work. When it arrives I’m relieved my last meeting of the day is running late, an out. At the last possible moment, not dissimilar to how I would throw myself out of my apartment before a first date, I decide I’m going. I abruptly tell my coworker I’m late, slam my laptop shut, and make a dash for the subway.
I spot her immediately. Amy Smilovic: founder and creative director of Tibi. I recognize her from her IG which I found during the pandemic. I fell in love with her articulation of why fashion matters (it makes you feel like yourself, a super power) and pragmatic advice on how (in spite of a sea of new arrivals and endless trends). I’ve written more on that here.
She’s smaller than she appeared to me online, somehow gentler. Unsurprisingly, she is as impeccably dressed. She’s at ease here – moving across the store swiftly, pulling items for her customers in fitting rooms like she’s inside her own closet. I suppose she is.
If you didn’t know better you’d mistake her for a stylist, so I pretend I don’t know better. It took all my gusto to show up here and meeting her is too much too soon. I turn back to face the racks, slowly touch everything, and consider how impossible it will be to try anything on without acknowledging her.
The truth is the brand sits at a price point I never imagined I would be able to afford. I was raised by two incredible parents who worked in public service and had the salaries you’d expect as such. I feel disbelief when I try on $600 pants and don’t have to consider if I can afford them. Then guilt, but is it fair that I can? My entire trip to New York was preceded by these kind of thoughts. Do I deserve to rent an apartment in NYC for a month, for no other reason than I would love to?
A woman steps out from the fitting room into the showroom, watching herself in the mirror. She feels incredible, it radiates.
Wow. You really know what you’re doing, she tells Amy.
I know, Amy replies, with a smile that is sure.
When Amy reaches for a garment next to me, it feels like a lie not to acknowledge her. I think of my therapist, who told me once genuinely, that I am “in fact very charismatic”. I try to channel it.
Hi, Amy.
Hi. What’s your name?
She smiles a genuine smile. I’m at ease.
Caitlin. I found you during the pandemic… and I just feel…why aren’t more brands doing what you’re doing?… talking about how good clothing makes you feel when you feel like yourself? how it all works together? I so admire what you do.
She nods and smiles. I wonder if she’s heard this many times, but refuse the thought because my words are genuine. I ask to try on a few pieces I’ve had bookmarked. I smile in disbelief when I open the dressing room curtain in a white silk dress cut on the bias, and have Amy there to comment on fit.
Oh. With a smile and nod. Yes.
This confirms the dress I’m wearing will be coming home in two colours.
Leaving the store I feel incredible and its not a high from having dropped serious cash. It’s from the feeling you’re awarded when you decide for yourself what is possible in your lifetime and refuse to believe you’re undeserving because of where you grew up, who you went to high school with, or what bullshit thing Mr. Teacher said about creatives who try and have at their dreams. Your happiness isn’t a self-centred, impossible pursuit.
What matters is refusing to sit out of an experience that calls to you, large or small, because you’re worried that someone else will tell you that you don’t belong.
Especially especially especially when that person is yourself.
Great article Caitlin! You are destined for Great things and you are very worthy of wonderful life's pleasures! Xo
This! 😍