I knew I felt exhausted at the thought of the last year, but I wasn’t flattened by it until I processed it at once, listening and journalling to Processing 2023: A Ritual to Make Space. I made it through 9 of the 12 months before I fell asleep. The next day I finished and stared down at my 12 sticky notes. I saw my joblessness, chronic pain, losing our home, therapy that pushed my worst memories to the surface, the nightmares I had every night for half the year, the fights and fears in my relationship that came to a head too. I cried most of that morning while Tony and I walked through the quiet woods nearby. I told him how defeated and ashamed I felt by it all, that this was all I had to show for the year.
If I’m forced to find it there was some joy too, when our friend Graeme helped us load our moving truck until late in the night. After a certain age a friend helping you move feels like the most generous gift in the word. When Lee turned 30 and loved his friends enough to hire a private chef, fill a dinner table with flowers and host us for dinner. When I turned 30 and Tony surprised me with my own dinner party. When I visited Rachel and she finished her cafe shift just to take me to the grocery store, have me pick my favourite things, and cook me curry in her tiny apartment by the sea. I’m grateful, but those days felt like a flicker of light in the year of a storm.
Tony pointed out how proud he’s been of me through it all, that he can clearly see the arc to who I’m becoming: the confidence, drive, strength, fearlessness. Probably who I’ve always been underneath what happened to me. I’m so open in sharing this because you might have gone so much pain you wondered what the point to any of it is too. I believe there is one.
“The day in my therapist’s office, the goal was clear and repetitive. Individuals on the journey eventually find themselves experiencing a baptism by fire. It’s that moment when they are just about to lose their lives, and they miraculously, courageously find the answer that gives their life meaning. And that meaning, that answer, saves them. In the words of Joseph Campbell, in The Hero with a Thousand Faces, “The call to adventure signifies that destiny has summoned the hero. The hero, whether god or goddess, man or woman, the figure in a myth, or the dreamer of a dream, discovers and assimilates his opposites, his own unsuccessful self, either by swallowing it or by being swallowed.”.”
Finding me, Viola Davis
Now, to close with a little emotional hot chocolate. Here is a quick roundup of a few 2023 favourites.
Makeup
Kosas Foundation (I wear 140, light neutral). Weightless on the skin, great yet natural coverage, immediate glow. The 3 stars on Sephora must be propaganda. Bonus (and perhaps tied with) Victoria Beckham’s lip definer in 02. I’m wearing both.
Investment
Bi-weekly, now weekly therapy.
Fashion
JW Anderson Pierce bag in beige. I scoured online for this colour (the bag is no longer in production), and after months finally got lucky. This was an “it” bag a decade ago, but now lives in the if-you-know-you-know-category. They go fast, but if you keep an eye on Vestiaire you’ll undoubtably get one. I could write a whole newsletter on my love for this bag.
Favourite newsletter
#14: Do it to see it to do it 🫶🏼
Recipe
Molly Bay’s Golden Get Well Soup.
Podcast
Dear Shandy. Candid, honest, on point, and hilarious relationship advice.
Youtuber
Margot Lee. Positive and warm energy, unique and creative editing. Love her.
Playlist
Float. For relaxing and forgetting.
Wishing you a new beginning.
Onwards baby,
Caitlin
Our lives are ever changing and we are constantly learning! Never stop believing in the amazing woman you are!! Love you xo 🤗 😘 ❤️