[Journal Excerpt]
Late August, 2023
I am terrified. I fluctuate between being an extraordinary confident person and a vastly insure one. How do I have so much fear? I just want to feel good. I’m breaking my own heart.
Tonight my therapist observes the same extremes when I come to him distraught. How I can be unbelievably confident and then collapse into a state of defeat? I can be bold at work, confidently sharing new ideas that push our collective thinking. I can be bold in my relationship with a strong man when I challenge his point of view. I do this to up to a point, but when I’m met with a power that cuts me down to size, I retreat into a barely visible self. What can you draw upon so you don’t get knocked down like this?, he asks me.
Since the Spring I’ve started a new job, turned 30, left our apartment, then our city entirely, moving in with family. The change has brought big and nebulous conversations about the future. Do we work remotely and travel? Where will we settle? When do we buy a home? Can we afford to? What about a family? I’ve felt passive in it all. I felt the same way at my last significant crossroad, finishing high school and deciding where and what to study. I told myself I didn’t know, I asked everyone around me what they thought. I chose the safest option, staying in my home town to study civil engineering which sucked up six years of my life.
The truth is I absolutely knew what I wanted, I just didn’t think I deserved it, or I was allowed to want it. I didn’t think I could win if I chose it. If I had believed in myself and was brazen, I would have moved away, maybe to Montreal or a tiny town to study writing. I would have ended up in a mix of English and Computer Science classes. I would have loved being in a new city and finding my way on my own. I would have found a way to pay down my student debt. I would have met a classmate who shared the dream of starting a company. We’d move to Vancouver together to start a small and scrappy company. We’d hire young, ambitious talent and build something that makes the world more wonderful. The thought of it all feels like a wild dream.
In my therapy session I flash through all the memories that had a crossroad. I revisit the younger doubtful me, telling her what she would have needed to be brazen. She loved to cook even at seven. I’d eat her easy-bake-oven chocolate cakes and tell her how delicious they are. The first time a boyfriend was sexually abusive, I would affirm her boundaries. She would say “No. That is not okay.”, we’d leave and never let him near us again. We’d ignore anyone who told her that writing wasn’t a legitimate profession. I’d ready every blogpost she wrote about makeup. I’d tell her every morning that the boldest women get what they want, which would have carried her to any city and in any conversation with any person. Which it eventually did, when she moved across the country by herself. It’s an act of defiance to be a powerful woman in a patriarchy.
The memories bring me to the present day, where I feel I do know what I want. It’s the biggest, happiest place I’ve ever been. The first place I travelled to without my parents. It’s been in my heart since I was 17. New York City. The feeling of being there creates a swell inside me, of complete hope and courage. Like the colour white, which I see when I close my eyes and think of it. A blank canvas.
I consider that my love of big cities can feel in direct odds with my love of community. Friendships take nurturing, intention. Moving from city to city strains that. But I don’t just want community, I want connection. Connection to people who might dream like me, of building a company where each person who comes to work feels valued and championed, that their environment wants what is best for them. I don’t have all the details, but they’ll come. I have the most important thing, the belief in my ability to achieve it.
Thanks for reading, especially a personal one like this.
Thank you for your brazen vulnerability. Same as your vlogs which brought comfort during difficult times in my life, I wished they were still up on Youtube. You have a beautiful way of expressing your emotions, and it seeps through everything you create. ♥️
Cannot relate more. Thank you for sharing this so nicely